Almost five years ago I embarked reluctantly in a relationship, which you guys (if you’ve read each of my blog entries so far) have now heard about. It was a turbulent relationship. With its highs and some dramatic lows. My favourite moments were the lulls between the dramatic lows.
It makes me wonder if our relationship is doomed to be the equivalent of flogging a dead horse.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore him but in retrospect, I don’t know how to love him well.
Prior to this relationship, I didn’t want to be a relationship at all, and getting into this one seemed pointless as I didn’t see it going anywhere. I knew my MO. My lack of interest would lead this to fizzle out pretty quickly.
Of course, he has his side of the story and his interpretation of events. We won’t say this is a blog entry about who is right and who is wrong – this is simply me, opening up about how life journeys take turns that you never expected and takes you places that catch you by surprise – we may even gain the chance to re-learn who we are.
Or simple put: I’m unloading.
I’ve had a lot of crap happen in my life and the eldest of my two younger brothers told me once that I had to stop blaming everyone for getting stuck in life. That, in itself, was a revelation to me:
One, I didn’t know I was stuck, I thought I was coping quite well with my childhood traumas.
Two, I didn’t know I was blaming people (well, he had said my mother specifically) but I hadn’t thought I was doing that at all. I thought I was just expressing frustration to things that happened – not realising that I was dragging this dead thing and throwing it around whenever shit hit the fan.
I thought I was being healthy in articulating (rather badly) my feelings and not bottling up what was going on in my head, in particular when things were bad. But there is a time and a place and the correct way to express yourself. It doesn’t look the same way for everyone but there is always a right way and a wrong way to do things.
I realised only recently that I can be quite toxic. That my expression of frustration can be quite negative. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when you get angry and hurt and so frustrated that you have no alternative but to let steam out, still, how you do it and continue to do it develops into a pattern, a habit, that can shape the rest of your life.
I watched my mum self-destruct through most of my life and I promised myself I would never be like that – except you can’t help emulate what you see and I didn’t know how else to express myself but negatively. So now it has become a battle between my mother and me, trying to keep each other positive, without taking away the validity of the hurt or frustrated feelings that we have experienced.
Shit does happen, people let you down, break your heart, break their own, things don’t go according to plan, finances become overwhelming, situations become unbearable but nothing lasts forever.
The key to remember is that your feelings are not invalid, unimportant or foolish. How you choose to express those feelings will give them a healthy or unhealthy outlet.
The choice is yours and yours alone.
Who you trust with those feelings is up to you but don’t forget that how they chose to respond to your emotions and feelings on a matter, is up to them – and sometimes that means that they won’t react the way you want, need or expect.
I do believe that is why God puts so much emphasis on our rest and trust to be laid on Him. He can handle what we can’t. He can see beyond our limitations and when we are feeling tired, heartbroken, defeated, He knows a higher truth – His higher truth: that we can overcome and succeed and excel but we’re not meant to be doing it alone and we’re not meant to be relying on other people alone, because they too get tired and they too lose hope when they reach their limitations.
God can use people to do His will in their lives, our lives and the world around us but we’re not to put our trust solely in them to carry us through because their strength will fail, much like ours will. God’s strength will never fail.
You may ask what this has to do with my relationship. In the midst of our last failed attempt at making a healthy relationship work, an old realisation was brought back to mind and two new realisations joined in.
One, I was still carrying around this dead thing from my past – I have been dealing with it so much better but it very much feels like I have only scratched the surface and if I was to make any lasting changes, I have to deal with the root first and work my way up. So far, I have been dealing with the branches, a little at a time.
Two, I hadn’t realised how much I was relying on my ex to be my source of strength instead of my Father, and where my ex has failed, my Father never will. It doesn’t mean that my ex is a bad person, it just means he doesn’t have what I need.
Three, even though I had started the relationship reluctantly, I found myself wanting to have a good, healthy relationship (well, who doesn’t) however, my lack of knowledge of what a good, healthy relationship was and the lack of understanding of my core issues meant that I spent a lot of time and effort trying to do things myself and in my limited understanding without asking for wise counsel from God, mature healthy couples and professionals.
I can sit here and blame my ex as much or as little as I dare; he didn’t want to align himself with couples that would guide us better, or that he wouldn’t try to find resources that would educate him or make more of an effort to understand my circumstances, so on and so forth but I’m not responsible for his actions, thoughts or words.
I’m responsible for mine and so far in the journey, I have failed to accomplish the goal I had for my relationship and that is on me.
Thankfully, God is a good God and He’s a God of second chances and I will only fail if I stay down. So, here’s to getting back up and making new habits that are healthy, positive and most importantly: God led.
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